My city I’ll be living in for 5 months <3
(Source: , via juststareatthestarsforever)
Depression isn’t just a state of feeling sad. Sometimes, you feel nothing, you feel numb, you don’t even know how you feel. For me, I’ve had days where I’d wake up and I can’t get out of bed. I can’t do anything. I can’t watch TV or read a book or do homework. I’d stare at the wall for god knows how long until I’d fall asleep. Or I have others days where I’ll cry and cry until I don’t think I can continue crying anymore because I feel so sick and weak from being upset that it’s almost physically impossible to cry. Depression is an uphill battle. No matter what anyone says. You can’t defeat depression by yourself. The thing about depression is that you can’t get better, you can improve, but you can’t ever be completely better. Sure, counseling helps, talking to people helps but it’s not going to make you 100% better. Medication can only help so far. It’s sad. because it’s not something you ever want to have to live with. Especially me, It makes me feel weak. Not physically weak but mentally weak. I want to be strong and be able to actually be okay by myself. I have days where I’m home alone and it feels like hell. I feel like I just can’t keep on going anymore. Someone must be watching over me because on the days where I don’t want to continue anymore, someone I care about either texts me or calls me RIGHT at my breaking point. Just the other day I was having an anxiety attack, basically about everything, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I was hyperventilating, crying, trying to catch a breath and then one of my friends texted me asking what I was doing. And I felt relief, because I didn’t want to be alone. In those moments, it makes me feel so blessed that I have someone who cares. Even though they may not know I was breaking down crying, it really make all the difference.
I, currently, am feeling so blessed. Just because I have a wonderful job that pays 12.25 an hour with tons of benefits, I’m going to live in France for 5 months, my school schedule is perfect, I’m saving tons of money, eating healthy again etc. But, I still have several days a weak I really don’t think I can make it. I don’t know why. Just a couple weeks ago something happened to me, which I really don’t wanna say, but it made beyond happy. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so happy and blessed in that moment. But, I’m still sad, and down, and numb, when I’m even happy. I will never understand how I can feel happy and sad all at once.